I’ve officially hit the part of summer where I’m dealing with crippling depression (no, I don’t want you to call me to talk about how depressed I am) and right now have too much adding to my misery to feel good about anything, including where to take this blog. I know I said July we conquer the world. And I do conquer every summer, blog or not, so that will still be the case, but I don’t know how to go about things in relation to the page right now. I feel like my past several entries everything I write someone is taking exception with and while I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable and open someone is contacting me every time to tell me that I’m just wrong. So I don’t feel like I’m being helpful or inspirational, and I don’t feel like I’m comfortable being open, and even as I type this I worry about the call that will come telling me that they try to help and can never do anything right and fail to acknowledge or implement my feedback on how I feel and make the problem about them and how bad they feel instead and frankly that’s a pretty shitty way to feel about going in to writing any blog entry. I either address that I’m feeling bad about the way that interaction is happening in relationship to this environment and then feel bad for expressing it, or I don’t address it and let it continue and go into every post I want to write knowing I’m probably going to get a phone call making me feel like crap about it. It’s a frustrating position to be in.
Last month was supposed to be our recap and refocus month but because of unplanned travel I bumped that to this month and promised there would be new content with it. My intention was to start adding some vlogs here and there to keep things interesting, and in particular to show some of the challenges I face. Right now my leg is in a cast and the idea of setting up a vlog area sounds like a lot of work when it hurts to stand or walk or drive and I’ve had to do too much of all of the above. I also have oral surgery on Wednesday which I forgot was coming so soon and will negate my ability to talk clearly or be sober and awake for at least a few days if not much longer if it gets infected like it did the last time we tried this surgery. That was quite probably the worst physical pain I ever experienced and I don’t want to go through it again and I’m more than a little terrified. And I’d really like to let them put me under for the surgery, but I have no one to drive me and they can’t put me entirely out because of the tachycardia. So. I just get to watch my bone and blood going everywhere, and that’s fun.
Summer is a bad time for me and has been for years. Kicking off with mother’s day I get a whole month of reminders of my miscarriages and the kids I want and don’t have, followed by Father’s day in which I can now officially know that my father doesn’t want me and refuses to talk to me at all, followed by neighbor kids being out of school so just making excess noise all day every day while they remain unsupervised and I get to sit here hoping they don’t vandalize my car again, followed by Independence day, which out here past the city limits means 3 months of morons with fireworks exploding them over my house, or in some fun cases the field behind my house. Nevermind how prone to fires Colorado is on any normal year and that this year we didn’t even get a real winter and are dry as all get out. I do not like fireworks, I have never liked fireworks, even as a kid when I was told to sit and watch them and have fun like other kids I was terrified. That whole autistic overwhelmed by sensory input thing means both the noise and the light and the rapid fire succession of fireworks makes me want to die. Then there’s the 90 degree weather everyday that Colorado isn’t supposed to have, but we totally do this year. Add that to the inability to take a proper bath or any kind of shower with the cast and I’m sweaty and gross and miserable all of the time.
So I’ve spent the past week and a half that I’ve been in the cast (which I was not expecting and not prepared for) trying to figure out what to blog about this month that won’t just be regurgitation of month one and won’t get me phone calls that make me feel like I should resign from the project altogether. I don’t want to do that. There are people that have also contacted me telling me how much this extravaganza has helped them (admittedly when we were newer and I was doing a better job of daily entries) and that is what this is all about, so I’m stil committed to making it happen, but I think my conquering the world this month may end up being a more medical endeavor on my part than I had hoped. Provided surgery and ankle issues resolve without further complications this may be a minor set back, if surgery in particular goes badly it could be a very big one. So. At this point I’m going to request two things from y’all: 1) If there’s anyone who wants to take over the responsibility of writing for July, let me know, I’d appreciate the help. 2) If not but you have ideas of what you’d like to see me write about, let me know that too. I do best when I have a theme to stick to, and I think at this point if I can make them more generic and less about my own experiences so I don’t feel so beat down by the reactions my personal posts get, send them on over and on the days I’m not entirely in a medicated coma I will work on them.
Happy Independence Day weekend to our US members. Stay safe and remember what we’re really celebrating.
A word about music: We include songs for a reason. Music helps us deal with the world, helps to soothe the soul, and gives us something else we can focus on when everything is too much. Listen to the songs we post. Even if you already know them. Listen to them like you don’t. Pay attention to the lyrics. Pay attention to what the instruments are telling you. They all have a message, they all have a purpose, they’re all chosen for a reason. If you like the song, please support the artist by purchasing the MP3 or Album that features it.
Today’s music can be found on Amazon.com:
Album:Jagged Little Pill