Sometimes Is Never Quite Enough

I’ve officially hit the part of summer where I’m dealing with crippling depression (no, I don’t want you to call me to talk about how depressed I am) and right now have too much adding to my misery to feel good about anything, including where to take this blog.  I know I said July we conquer the world. And I do conquer every summer, blog or not, so that will still be the case, but I don’t know how to go about things in relation to the page right now.  I feel like my past several entries everything I write someone is taking exception with and while I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable and open someone is contacting me every time to tell me that I’m just wrong.  So I don’t feel like I’m being helpful or inspirational, and I don’t feel like I’m comfortable being open, and even as I type this I worry about the call that will come telling me that they try to help and can never do anything right and fail to acknowledge or implement my feedback on how I feel and make the problem about them and how bad they feel instead and frankly that’s a pretty shitty way to feel about going in to writing any blog entry. I either address that I’m feeling bad about the way that interaction is happening in relationship to this environment and then feel bad for expressing it, or I don’t address it and let it continue and go into every post I want to write knowing I’m probably going to get a phone call making me feel like crap about it.  It’s a frustrating position to be in.

Last month was supposed to be our recap and refocus month but because of unplanned travel I bumped that to this month and promised there would be new content with it.  My intention was to start adding some vlogs here and there to keep things interesting, and in particular to show some of the challenges I face.  Right now my leg is in a cast and the idea of setting up a vlog area sounds like a lot of work when it hurts to stand or walk or drive and I’ve had to do too much of all of the above.  I also have oral surgery on Wednesday which I forgot was coming so soon and will negate my ability to talk clearly or be sober and awake for at least a few days if not much longer if it gets infected like it did the last time we tried this surgery.  That was quite probably the worst physical pain I ever experienced and I don’t want to go through it again and I’m more than a little terrified.  And I’d really like to let them put me under for the surgery, but I have no one to drive me and they can’t put me entirely out because of the tachycardia. So. I just get to watch my bone and blood going everywhere, and that’s fun.

Summer is a bad time for me and has been for years. Kicking off with mother’s day I get a whole month of reminders of my miscarriages and the kids I want and don’t have, followed by Father’s day in which I can now officially know that my father doesn’t want me and refuses to talk to me at all, followed by neighbor kids being out of school so just making excess noise all day every day while they remain unsupervised and I get to sit here hoping they don’t vandalize my car again, followed by Independence day, which out here past the city limits means 3 months of morons with fireworks exploding them over my house, or in some fun cases the field behind my house. Nevermind how prone to fires Colorado is on any normal year and that this year we didn’t even get a real winter and are dry as all get out.  I do not like fireworks, I have never liked fireworks, even as a kid when I was told to sit and watch them and have fun like other kids I was terrified.  That whole autistic overwhelmed by sensory input thing means both the noise and the light and the rapid fire succession of fireworks makes me want to die.  Then there’s the 90 degree weather everyday that Colorado isn’t supposed to have, but we totally do this year.  Add that to the inability to take a proper bath or any kind of shower with the cast and I’m sweaty and gross and miserable all of the time.

So I’ve spent the past week and a half that I’ve been in the cast (which I was not expecting and not prepared for) trying to figure out what to blog about this month that won’t just be regurgitation of month one and won’t get me phone calls that make me feel like I should resign from the project altogether. I don’t want to do that. There are people that have also contacted me telling me how much this extravaganza has helped them (admittedly when we were newer and I was doing a better job of daily entries) and that is what this is all about, so I’m stil committed to making it happen, but I think my conquering the world this month may end up being a more medical endeavor on my part than I had hoped.  Provided surgery and ankle issues resolve without further complications this may be a minor set back, if surgery in particular goes badly it could be a very big one. So.  At this point I’m going to request two things from y’all:  1)  If there’s anyone who wants to take over the responsibility of writing for July, let me know, I’d appreciate the help.   2)  If not but you have ideas of what you’d like to see me write about, let me know that too. I do best when I have a theme to stick to, and I think at this point if I can make them more generic and less about my own experiences so I don’t feel so beat down by the reactions my personal posts get, send them on over and on the days I’m not entirely in a medicated coma I will work on them.

Happy Independence Day weekend to our US members.  Stay safe and remember what we’re really celebrating.

 

A word about music:  We include songs for a reason.  Music helps us deal with the world, helps to soothe the soul, and gives us something else we can focus on when everything is too much.  Listen to the songs we post. Even if you already know them. Listen to them like you don’t. Pay attention to the lyrics. Pay attention to what the instruments are telling you. They all have a message, they all have a purpose, they’re all chosen for a reason.  If you like the song, please support the artist by purchasing the MP3 or Album that features it.
Today’s music can be found on Amazon.com:
MP3:Perfect
Album:Jagged Little Pill

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8 Replies to “Sometimes Is Never Quite Enough”

  1. I am so sorry you have received calls and negative responses. I love reading your blog because I view it as Life. We all have crap going on. And all our crap is equal, none is any less or more important than anyone else’s. We never know what the next day will bring. I myself am going through new medical issues that are limiting me even more, but that is Life. I don’t give up… But I do shut down so that I can gather myself as best I can and then open back up (which is why I don’t always comment). I wish I had ideas for you, unfortunately my brain is having major issues thinking (which is another reason why I enjoy your blog). You really come up with great topics and Honesty. I admit I don’t always complete the daily tasks… but I do what I can and accept that. I’m certainly not going to beat you or myself up about it. I am sorry how other people’s choices can affect and hurt us. It it’s hard not to take it personally. But that is exactly what we have to do, not take it personally. It is all on them. I just repeat to myself… Fuck ‘Em. Doesn’t always work, but it makes me feel a little better, haha. As I’ve stated before, I’m always here whether you write a daily, weekly or monthly blog ❣❣❣ Sending lots of positive thoughts for your upcoming oral surgery.

    1. Thank you <3 I needed that. Someone near and dear has offered to do either a little writing or topic suggesting or both. I know that I'm being overly sensitive because too much of my body hurts and I'm stressed out. Hopefully the surgery will go well and without that weighing on my mind I can go back to my usual crippled porcupine existence where I have my winter armor and am less of a jellyfish. I think part of my problem right now is I'm just not sleeping well or enough. When I wrote this entry I had woken up early and couldn't fall back asleep and was SO TIRED, and having a fibro flair. I finally fell back asleep, and am pretty sure I'm not actually done yet, but I feel a little less "the sky is falling!"

      1. Yay 👍
        Totally understand lack of sleep and fibro flare and what they can do to you both mentally and physically. One day at a time and I’ll still be here 😉

  2. Hi,

    I woke up this morning feeling shitty. I googled “daily reasons to live” and this blog came up. So far, it seems like a depression diary. That’s cool and all, I’m glad you’re sharing, reducing stigma and trying to inspire, but if a person was looking for maybe a site that just posted a nice thing every day (I.e., a reason to live)… not someone else’s struggle with depression.

    It’s kind of a bait and switch. You might get better feedback if you changed the name/website of the blog.

    J

    1. Hello Jess. Thank you for your feedback and explanation of how you found us and why. You are correct that as I stated within the blog it is not going how it is supposed to go and how I wanted it to go or had initially set-up for things to go before a co-writer bailed on the project. I’ve stated clearly here that right now I’m not in a good place to be motivating and inspiring people and that that is why I’m currently on hiatus from blogging. I hope to resume soon, but we shall see what the cards have in store for me. I’m not going to delete the worthwhile content that has been created or give up on my domain and initial concept because I’ve hit a rough patch that I wasn’t anticipating on this scale. I hope you do read some of the more worthwhile entries and that they are more effective for you, but I also understand if you found us at the wrong time and choose not to pursue it further. I have had feedback that people appreciate that I share honest raw emotion, and feedback that people who googled reasons to live and found us did find some helpful material here, so I’m going to keep everything open for those people.
      If you do need help finding a reason to live today I do strongly advocate calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, or taking advantage of their online support. They can be reached at 1-800-273-8255 or on their site at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
      It’s okay to call them if you’re just feeling shitty, they’d rather hear from you then than have it be too late.

      1. Daily reason to live for me has been about connection, laughter, genuineness… It’s felt like a support group to me. Tackling all kinds of issues in a safe and supportive setting. Hoping you feel like connecting Jess. But if not, yes, hoping you can find connection in a living environment like this one.

    2. Hi Jess, so sorry you are having a shitty day. If I had a penny for everyday I felt this way, hehe. (sorry, a little dry humor). For me, this group has been about being there for each other when one of us just isn’t up to par. For me, there are sites that post positivity every day and for me personally, I call bullshit on them. There is no way somebody can be that positive every day. It just didn’t feel authentic. I’m not sure if you have had a chance to start reading this blog for the beginning but I would recommend it to get a feel for the openness and honesty of the group. Also the amount of thought and effort put into each blog is amazing. It gives me a feeling of we got each other’s back if someone needs a pick me up.
      For me, a daily reason to live is knowing I’m not alone in this group and the daily questions on the Facebook page make me think. I sincerely hope your day has gotten better and you were able to find some sunshine 🌞

  3. Thank you R and Cathy Gee! I love that we have the kind of members who will reach out to someone who posted that they’re struggling! Support group is definitely one of the common phrases I’ve used for our site and Facebook page. I initially thought about making it a Facebook group even but ultimately decided that I didn’t have the time to personally monitor a group and that a page was easier to maintain a safe environment for people to still share and talk and have each other’s backs but not have to worry about trolls and maliciousness on a regular basis. And someone did set up a group using our name not terribly long after I launched our page, so I do feel like both options are out there and I support everyone using whichever or both that they find helpful in any regard. I think the descriptions that I’ve written about this page and what it’s doing and why it exists are pretty straight forward and honest that not every thing is going to be happiness and rainbows because that’s not life and I do want to help people who are struggling know that it’s okay to struggle and that they have someone who will fight along side them. It may be a constant battle, but it’s one we’re going to win. That is what constitutes a reason to live for me. If everything was happiness all of the time there wouldn’t be a need for the site, everyone would already have all the reasons they needed.

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